As of today, it’s been almost three months since I published anything. I am disappointed in myself because I haven’t carved out the time to do that which I love and need — to write. This thought was a springboard to some self-examination. Read further if you wish, but this is my way of
kicking myself in the ass gently and lovingly nudging myself back on my Paige Path.
In the past few months, my Paige Path has taken an abrupt, surprising and marvelous left turn. I will attempt to be brief and not bore you with all the juicy details, but I’m not great at brevity and juicy details are … well, juicy. I was in a relationship with a wonderful man who had just finalized his divorced and who was ready to enter the cruel, harsh dating world, but never thought the first post-divorce experience would be his last post-divorce experience. I was that first post-divorce date, which was not the most desired position for me. I wanted to be the fourth girl. You know, the one after 1) the psycho, co-dependent bunny-bunner, 2) the bad sex girl and 3) the one with whom he just didn’t click, was terrible at good conversation, and overwhelmingly excelled at being uninteresting. When you follow bad, you look good. So yeah, no, that didn’t happen. We hit it off immediately, had epic conversations and a million things in common (he loves to cook; I love to eat, reading, writing, traveling, useless facts, and what cats are really saying when they meow … to name a few). We kept it at the “just enjoying each other’s company” level for eight months, and I didn’t push things or demand more … until I realized we were on a road to nowhere. He thought he would enjoy dating around while still keeping his “single” status, keeping it “fun” and “light” and just “enjoying the time spent together.” He had it in his mind how his new “single life” was going to be, and that was it. No deviating from the plan. Determination is one of his many good qualities. I didn’t blame him. Ok. Ok. All right! I think I’m supposed to be honest in these posts. I was furious, hurt and heartbroken when we ended it and hoped he did date Girls 1, 2 and 3 mentioned above and realize how truly awful the dating world can be and what a wonderful, unique thing we had and what a wonderful, unique person I was. It took me three months to get over him and it took him three months to realize how empty he felt without me, how much he missed me, and that he was in love with me. He realized that it didn’t matter that I was the inaugural relationship but how lucky he was that we met when we did and that he didn’t have to date Girls 1, 2 and 3 mentioned above to once again find love. As we are both over 40 and have had many relationships (some successes and others failures) and likewise spans of self-dependence and singleness, it’s not like he needed the “experience” of dating around. Sometimes we forget the very true reality that your life does not happen according to your plan.
After a very awkward meeting where he bravely bared his soul, apologized profusely, and told me he would do whatever it took to regain my trust, I hesitantly agreed to give us another chance and resume the relationship. Let me just say how wonderful he’s been and how I’ve not regretted that decision one day since. His actions match his words. I hear his words. I know his sincerity. I recognize his efforts. I feel his love. Every. Single. Day. Because of my inherent pessimistic character trait, I still go through periods where I think he’s going to change his mind, but when I do, I let him know how I feel and he always reassures me with either his loving words or his kind and generous actions.
My Paige Path detoured a bit … but what a lovely, unexpected detour. We never know what life has in store for us. Sometimes it’s an obstacle created in our own mind that prevents us from seeing what is right in front of us. Other times, it’s that things do actually work out like you envisioned making you feel skeptical, as if it’s all too good to be true.
We have now combined our lives, cats and glassware and are living together in varying states of bliss, awkwardness, excitement and sin. For the last seven years, I have lived alone (but for a dog and a few cats). It’s been solely up to me to decide what I was going to eat for dinner, what time I was going to get up in the morning (which is always “at the last minute”), what color I was going to paint the kitchen, whether or not I was going to spend the entire weekend in PJs with ratty hair eating delivered Chinese and taco-flavored Doritos while hanging out on my sofa watching TCM’s Elvis marathon or reading the entire last Harry Potter book, all 800-plus pages. I’ve done both and highly recommend them. Now, I’ve got another person to consider in all this. Not that I feel I couldn’t do those things if I wanted to, but now I have more options. While vegging on the sofa all weekend has its merits (sometimes you just have to have the downtime), I want to do things with him that enrich our life together. That may just be talking about the day’s mundane events or sharing a delicious meal together. This meal would be cooked by him and not me, as he is a far superior cook than I could ever aspire to be, and I highly recommend holding out for a man who can cook. You will thank me later for this valuable bit of advice. Also, a musician (despite their inaccurate reputation of being moody and emotional) is another worthy trait to seek out in a life partner. It’s entertainment at your fingertips. Literally. Or rather at their fingertips.
I’m not offering this as an excuse, but rather an explanation, of why I’ve been absent from my blog lately. I’ve missed writing and feel a little bottled up creatively. Now that my Paige Path is underfoot again, I am excited to begin this new chapter of my life. That’s all life is really — chapters. Some you trudge through exhaustively anxiously anticipating their end. Others you hope go on forever. Sometimes they do and you’re lucky and grateful. Sometimes they don’t and you’re disappointed and hopeless. But there’s always going to be another chapter, good or bad. I’ve learned I can get through the bad and learn a lesson or two or discover some little facet of myself that ultimately makes me a better Paige. I am very hopeful that this chapter will go on forever, not without the occasional bumps and bruises because if I am anything, I’m a realist, and I know that not everything is perfect. I’m looking forward to getting through the bumps and bruises because I have faith that we can work through anything.
So this post has been cathartic. Writing is like yoga. I know when I do it, the benefits I reap are going to serve me well, I just have to make the commitment/time to do it. I’m glad to be back doing what I love … in love.