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If I had a million dollars, I’d …

Well, one thing’s for sure — along with counting on certain (and hopefully peaceful) death, I could count on the fact that the government would take almost half of it.  So maybe the title of the song should’ve been “If I Had Around $600,000.”  I’m assuming that the tax would be about $400,000.  Like I know the tax bracket for anything upwards of $50,000.  Pardon my ignorance on that subject.  It’s never come up in my lifetime.

So, let’s just say that I had $600,000 to spend (after our self-serving, pharisaical government took her inappropriately calculated, gluttonous bite).  Really, in today’s times, that wouldn’t last a girl like me long at all.  Now, some of you are great when it comes to saving and managing money.  I envy you guys.  Really, I do.  I, unfortunately, am not of the same ilk.  My brain does not function on the same wavelength, and I am ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CERTAIN that normal mathematical principles that apply to everyone else’s bank account do not apply to mine.  I think my account is stuck in the preternatural vortex of perpetual subtraction.  One hundred dollars subtracted from someone else’s account does not make that big of a difference in their balance.  In my world, $100 subtracted from my account somehow feels like it’s maybe $200 or $132.94 at the least.  My balance dwindles faster than anyone else’s for some inexplicable, mystical reason.  My bank account is the Freeling’s house in the movie Poltergeist.  Nothing in it makes sense or has any rhyme or reason and there’s some malicious ectoplasmic soul sucking it dry.  One minute I could have a four-digit balance (not counting the decimal); the next I’m into the negatives without having made a single purchase.  I’m not even kidding.  I don’t know how this happens … or why it happens to me.  It scares me when I have money left over after paying bills.  I mean, I really have to go back and make sure I paid every bill I was supposed to pay and look for unexpected expenses … expenses that jump up like blood-thirsty zombies from behind the bushes.  Honestly, those fuckin’ zombies get me every time.  Maybe those zombies are making unauthorized ATM withdrawals from my bedeviled account.  Who knows?

I confess I am a nickle-and-dimer.  I nickle-and-dime myself out of a lot of this money.  An iced coffee HERE, a quick trip to the CVS for shampoo and tampons and coming home with a lot more than just shampoo and tampons THERE.  I have no self control.  I am a lover of instant gratification … and sometimes THAT’S not fast enough.  I don’t grasp the concept of “window shopping” or just going to a store to look around.  If I take the time to go to that store, walk in, and masochistically tempt myself by touching/eyeing/smelling/tasting the goods, I’m buying something goddammit!  I don’t understand when people say they went “shopping” yet came home empty handed.  Then you didn’t go “shopping,” you just went “looking.”  The word “browsing” means nothing to me.  The act of perusing is dead to me.

My point — and I have one — is that it is tough and trying to live on a single income when that income is based on the lack of a college degree and under-appreciated yet vast experience.  I know I should manage the fruits of my labor in a more prudent manner.  I know that there are no real zombies using my bank card at the ATM.  I know that I am intelligent and capable enough to seek out a higher paying job with some motivation.  I know that wanting something and needing it are two very different things.  I do, however, believe that my financial chakra is in a state of imbalance and I need some fiscal yoga to bring me back to center.  I will continue to believe that abnormal mathematical principles vex my bank account.

Can y’all hear me whining?  Because I am.  I figure if I can admit that I am an out of control, financially irresponsible instantaneous gratifier, I can certainly concede to a little bit of whining.

So, if I had a million dollars … I wouldn’t.

(Sorry no pics, but this is a rant post and rant posts don’t warrant any visuals.)

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