Forgive me, Universe, for I have sinned. It’s been 102 days since my last post. This post has been written strictly for my own selfish reasons. I’m not trying to impart any deep, profound knowledge to you and I’m not trying to make you laugh with my witty musings. And there might be misspelled words and typos because this is really just to make me feel better and not impress you with my grammar and good spelling. And I just wanted to share this.
I write this today with a heavy heart, and this is my cathartic attempt at expressing my anger, fear and sadness. Two terrible events have happened this morning that have set these emotions in motion. A friend who is a musician and chef here in New Orleans and genuinely one of the sweetest guys you could ever know unexpectedly passed away this morning. Another dear friend gave me news today that he has a tumor on his brain. The tumor hasn’t been “classified” yet and he’s still looking at several doctors’ appointments before they will decide a course of treatment, so there is still lots and lots of hope.
Nevertheless, what I am feeling now is an extreme need to live every day to the fullest. Everybody knows life is short, few people live that knowledge. We forget. We get busy. We get tired. We get stressed. We forget that each day lived is another closer to death. I don’t mean to sound macabre and go all Debbie Downer on you guys. And maybe if I weren’t PMSing right now, this might not be impacting me so heavily. But that does not make these feelings I’m experiencing right now any less real.
I go through my days, one after another, without thinking how well I’m using the time in these days that I am given. Just getting through each day to go on to the next. Only looking forward to the highlights — pedicures and trips to Paris — and not the beauty of the ordinary — kitty purrs and the sound of My Love making us dinner in the kitchen when I get home.
I think about making a difference but I never do. I want to improve my career or find a passion and be lucky enough that I can pass it off as a job, but I do nothing to bring about that change. I can chalk it up to many things — laziness, fear, self-sabotage, ambivalence — but those are just excuses really.
I’m sad for my friend who died. I’m scared for my friend who might. I’m angry that I haven’t been appreciating my life. I want to do better.
P.S. I didn’t mean to make a Billy Squier reference with the “emotions in motion.” That’s just how it came out. I swear.